What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 00:14
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She married twice! .
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
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When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My son is possessed, now he has psychosis. Can someone help me?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Comes on , in middle age.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Why does my girlfriend keep asking me if I love her?
Ive learnt so much.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He resisted the act ,that day.
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was scared of men, in general
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Would this be the day?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
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The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Why do atheists want to see God so badly?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We all went to grammer schools
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Im still living with it.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
It was going to be , some day.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was seconnd youngest,
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Why did i forgive my father ?
She was in good health!
I waited trembling.
She loved him until the end.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
When she asked me how she looked .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Put me off passion for life!!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She found it foreign!.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My life is so biszare .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I could never make a relationship work though!
So, i spoilt her more .
But ive been too sick for many years..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I write beautiful poetry .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Who then, do I blame.?
What did i know ?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My family never makes their pension either.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He knew the spot.
But it wasn’t much.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Was to survive, this bastard.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I don,t even have a pension.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But, we were locked up after school.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
(And it was in our own minds.)
I have no regrets .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She wouldn,t have been !
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was very sick at this time too.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I will be 64.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I said to her
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was 9 years of age.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One cannot live in the past .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I think the readers, may guess!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
This is soul school!.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
So whats the point in blame.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And i lived it daily.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
All the time i was locked up.
We were not on the streets..